By Dr Cari
When it comes to libido, like all humans, there’s no one-size-fits-all explanation. In fact, sexual desire is a complex, dynamic interplay of biological, psychological, social, and cultural forces. If you’ve ever felt like your libido is unpredictable or hard to explain, you’re not alone—and you are not broken. Read that again! Say it out loud in public! “I’M NOT BROKEN!!!”
Let’s dive into what really drives libido and why understanding it matters for your health, your relationship with yourself and others.
First, let’s talk about the biological base layer: hormones. Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone all play a role in regulating libido.
Hormone levels fluctuate throughout the menstrual cycle, during pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, and menopause—all of which can shift libido in ways that are normal but often confusing.
You can’t separate sex from the brain. Anxiety, depression, stress, and trauma can all impact libido. For many people, feeling emotionally safe and mentally well is often the foundation for desire.
Mental health isn’t a side note. It’s often the main event. And, if your head ain’t in the game, you can’t expect the motor to rev.
The quality of connection between people affects desire. Emotional closeness, communication, trust, and affection can amplify libido. On the flip side, resentment, unresolved conflict, or feeling unseen can be serious turn-offs. Double EW!
Desire isn’t just about physical attraction. It’s about feeling valued, desired, and safe. If a relationship feels like a roommate situation or is riddled with tension, your libido is a serious indication of what’s wrong outside the bedroom.
Who has time for sex when you're exhausted from juggling work, caregiving, chores, and a never-ending to-do list? Mental load is real, and it disproportionately affects people who are socialized to care for everyone else first. Nurturers take it in the shorts, so no one else can be sometimes.
When your brain is in 17 tabs-open mode, it’s hard to switch into "desire" mode. This isn’t a personal failing. It’s a sign that rest, boundaries, and support systems aren’t optional luxuries—they’re prerequisites for pleasure. And, pleasure is good for all the things that ail us, so it needs to be a priority.
How someone feels about their body profoundly influences how they experience desire. If you feel disconnected from or critical of your body, it can be hard to embrace sexual intimacy. Cultural messages about beauty and sexuality pile on, making it even more complicated. If we don’t feel good about how we look, we can doubt when other people dig our look.
Cultivating a positive, compassionate relationship with your body isn’t just feel-good fluff. It can be a serious libido booster. It makes you walk the world differently, stand taller, gain swagger.
Not everyone experiences desire the same way. Some people have spontaneous desire—they feel aroused out of the blue. Buzinga! Others experience responsive desire, which means arousal comes after physical or emotional stimulation begins. Neither is right or wrong.
In other words, you don’t have to feel desire before initiating intimacy. Sometimes desire wakes up once things get going. This is normal, valid, and often a game-changer to understand. PLEASE, accept who you are and communicate this with your partners.
Certain medications, like antidepressants and hormonal contraceptives, can dampen libido. So can medical conditions like thyroid disorders, diabetes, and chronic pain. If your libido has taken a nosedive and nothing else explains it, a check-in with a provider may be the key.
Pro tip: If your medication is affecting your sex life, don’t just "deal with it." There are often alternative options or dosage tweaks worth exploring. Side effects can be mitigated, and options abound.
Libido is more like a weather pattern than a switch. It ebbs and flows. It’s sensitive to context. And it rarely looks like the Hollywood version of seduction. The Farmers’ Almanac has nothing on these events.
Understanding what drives your libido—and what dials it down—isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about giving yourself permission to listen, learn, and respond with curiosity instead of shame.
If your libido feels off, don’t ignore it. But also: don’t pathologize it. You’re not broken. You’re just human. And sometimes, being human means giving yourself grace, asking good questions, and maybe talking to someone who gets it. That someone might be your partner, a friend or me 😉
Libido is influenced by everything from hormones to how many dishes are in the sink. There is no "normal," only what’s true for you. The more we normalize that, the healthier, happier, and more pleasure-filled we’ll all be.
So go ahead—get curious about your desire. You might be surprised at what turns you on, and what you need to turn the volume up. If you need a nonjudgement ear, unbiased support, or inspiration, hit me up! Schedule an intake consultation with me, alone or with your partner, and let's get it sorted.
